How to be a narcissist without being an asshole
In an infamous Pickle Rick episode of the animated show Rick and Morty, the narcissistic asshole Rick, literally turns himself into a pickle, to avoid family therapy. One character development later, the main character has this memorable exchange with the therapist:
Rick: Because I don’t respect therapy, because I’m a scientist. Because I invent, transform and destroy for a living and when I don’t like something about the world, I change it. And I don’t think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to an agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it’s helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself.
Wong (therapist): …You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it’s because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it’s your mind within your control. … I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I’m bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it’s not an adventure. There is no way to do it so wrong you might die. It’s just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people… well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.
Each of us gets to choose
As the true narcissist he is, Rick makes his reality whatever he wants it to be and then imposes it onto the world of others, including that of his family. The therapist acknowledges Rick’s power to create new reality, but explains it is what prevents him from participating in a normative society as a father and grandfather.
The tenant raised by the therapist is mutual respect.
Rick clearly deems everyone else inferior (agent of averageness; animals we eat), but also wants to become a bigger part of his own family. His power and intelligence has to be submitted to his social desires, by way of succumbing to their inferior level.
This is an unfair ordeal. Rick, the highly intelligent powerful being has to become less of himself. His delusional nature whispers to him: “Why can’t the rest become like me?”
What an asshole.
“Asshole” is the way society protects the norm. You are an asshole, when you do what you want and ignore the rest of the world. When you stay quiet and play along, you are accepted and not an asshole. No one is an asshole by themselves.
When you see yourself saving the world from “insert crisis” and do something about it. When you define how the world works against popular beliefs. Or when you just need an audience to perform in front of. You inject yourself into society and will be an asshole.
Elon Musk? Asshole. Greta Thunberg? Asshole. Isaac Newton? Asshole. Robert Downey Jr? Asshole. Your drunk unhinged friend doing somersaults in the bar? Impressive (but kinda an asshole).
Even the beloved picture of perfection Mr. Rogers requested his then closeted gay co-star Francois Clemmons to remain closeted, to protect his popular TV show. What an asshole. He knew keeping the show on air was going to do more good than what Clemmons wanted to achieve. Later Rogers apologized to Clemmons.
You too are an asshole.
You double parked. You shared a secret you said you’ll keep. You cheated on your husband. You quit your job in the middle of an important project. You deserted combat you didn’t believe in. You did your own thing, because you damn felt like it.
Today I was walking through an alleyway where a man was injecting himself. It was just the two of us, we made eye contact. I said “no judgement” to which he replied “some drink, some inject.” In one way I respected his choice. In a different way I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole for saying anything. I’m an asshole for not checking in with him.
We all get to choose who we are and what we do in a society. Some like to get serious, some like to enjoy themselves, while some ridicule the whole concept of the society. Some have little choice and a really hard time in society. Some tend to drink, and some depend on an injection.
As a high agency individual your choices are:
- you accept someone telling you what to do -> worker
- you pretend, while you do your own thing in secret -> hustler
- you publicly reject things for your own version -> maverick
In this wild wild mix that makes people people, individual values always clash. It’s what makes half the people wake up, and the other half stay in bed. It’s what makes football fans yell at each other, yet sing the national anthem together. This conflict of duality is what makes the whole dang thing called “humanity” interesting.
Everyone is an asshole at one point or another
Obviously we’ve reached a point where the billionaire-run private sector while repeatedly showing its failures, is still trusted over the ever-corrupt government.
KATHMANDU, Sept 4 (Reuters) - Nepal said on Thursday it would block access to several social media platforms, including Facebook, after they failed to register with authorities in a crackdown on misuse.
KATHMANDU, Sept 10 (Reuters) - Nepal was plunged into political uncertainty after its prime minister resigned on Tuesday following widespread anti-corruption protests, triggered by a social media ban, that killed at least 19 people.
Like Rick, the bosses of technology and finance giants have acquired tremendous power. Like Mr. Rogers, they see a greater future in choosing to be assholes today. The issue is that in their dominance they’ve stopped self-reflecting and chose to be assholes everyday.
Inconsiderate, self-entitled, greedy, and careless.
Promoting elitism like that needs a dialogue regardless if the money is private or public. This dialogue can seem inconsequential when the public doesn’t have a say where the money goes. But neither do people determine where their citizenship subscription goes.
I’m saying hear people out, ask for options and opinions.
We’ve stopped cultivating an environment, where we can discuss anything, without getting butt-hurt. Any reasonable discussion requires attention. Attention to preparation, to listening, and to saying which words mean which feelings. If having and sharing an opinion makes you an asshole, that’s a horrible way to exist as a society.
Our ability to cultivate our own opinions in the open and be able to talk about them with mutual respect is detrimental to our success of what our future is going to look like.
Open technology can do so much good in this area. It can retrieve all available knowledge for a given problem without disregarding the context of the situation. It can progressively understand individuals and their opinions, assisting them in communicating it across societies of different cultures and ages.
But instead we use it to learn about our preferences to sell one more snake oil course or another reinvented lipstick, ideally at the time we have been stupidified by the infinite scroll.
Presiding the digital metaverse of half the Earth’s population with fake friendships and pretend care. Choosing to make the technology once more a weapon of mass destruction.
Mr Rogers had a meaningful expression of care towards children's development in the age of television. The parallel to our social media and sycophantic AI age is hopefully clear. Rogers also rejected animation as “bombardment” and that’s why I bring up an example where animation can be meaningful. My argument is that multiple ways forward are the right way, but we have to be assessing them by an equal measure.
The hope is that eventually the combined computing power can power digital nations which can disregard the norm of the old. The techno-anarchy efforts to decentralize are still progressing through greed, anarchy and elitism. These future solutions, while in motion, are far. People don’t like to wait. Especially nowadays.
Within a decade 90% of the world will grow up digitally native and online. In the decade after that 99%. The society and its culture is no longer determined just in person, but in the digital agora. The whole planet is progressing towards a monoculture (or maybe not), which either way we don’t quite know how it’ll interact with our current concept of border based states and their instruments of governance.
At the end of the day in the golden thrones of the government palaces and CEO’s luxurious villas are still men, women and “others,” who succumb to the same biases you do when you make an impulse buy or snap under stress. Just in their case it puts millions out of a job. Or kills millions indirectly. Or directly.
Or turns them into a passive unattentive pickle.
What Did You Say?
A series about dreams, defiance, narcissism, identity, and assholes. But really a look at how different people preferring different technologies can coexist.
Summary
Preamble: Why should you care about attention
Chapter 1: Sex, music, alcohol, and defiance
Chapter 2: Promise
Chapter 3: The night Cinderella died
→ Chapter 4: How to be a narcissist without being an asshole
Chapter 5: Being everywhere all at once