Promise

Like the rest of the 90s kids I was told I was special.

My early decades were wide open and stuffed with opportunity. Where my parents were given no promises, I was given them all. Computers were booming, the internet was coming fast and flying cars seemed to be around the corner. Participatory medals were handed left and right promoting false validation of real life accomplishments.

Together with their expectations I was given the best of my parents traits: charm, good heart, decent height, hairline, curiosity, and intelligence. At seven I argued about the existence of negative numbers with my math teacher (I was right, they do exist). At ten I was the best swimmer in my class. When I was twelve I got into a Mensa school. Everything indicated I might actually be special.

But the oft forgotten details show how it really was.

Born in August, I started school a year older. In swimming I was the tallest kid. In the school for the IQ-faithful I was the first runner up and only got in, because someone else said no. Really, I was ‘maybe special’.

Desperately seeking to reassure my specialness I have turned all my attention to finding a group of other special kids like myself. Comparing myself to everyone around was the most natural way to find that one person or group. But for every positive match, I have always found a matching negative.

I had fun playing video games, but was more entertained by the art of making them.

I have loved making video games, but couldn’t get through the technical hurdles of finishing them.

I have appreciated art, but was bothered by the critical pretentiousness and the elitist culture it existed in.

Business building attracted me with its promise of world impacting values, but had a jargon and thirst for money I didn’t share.

Encouraged by love for sci-fi I have chased science but too often traded facts for fantasy.

Then one day I found where I belong thanks to porn.

In Everybody Lies, the author tells how private online searches reveal more about human life than surveys. Porn searches showed 25% of women looking for violence, which understandably 25 out of 100 women (or anyone) would never admit in person. Search data showed pockets of sub-sub-niches with the author saying “in porn there’s something for everyone.”

I've read it as “In life there’s something for everyone, however unique.”

This turned my grayscale display of the world to full color. All along, everyone’s true colors were hiding behind the curtain of the previous generation’s rules, privacy concerns and social taboos. New colors were added each day, as different cultures became integrated and open to individuals to blast out their unique perspectives. The digital space has quickly filled with infinitely subdivided subcultures, labeled and exemplified.

Inside this abundant spectrum I could mix myself out of the color swatches. As I kept mixing, the groups I could fit reduced to zero. In the infinity of choices I stood alone. The realization took me until today, but came clear: I am a main character.

Now there’s no going around calling yourself the main character is narcissist, because it is. Narcissism is part of its identity and the reason for its lack of belonging.

Conformity

“We all have a great need for acceptance. But you must trust that your beliefs are unique your own. Even though others may think them odd or unpopular.”
- Dead Poets Society

The movie Dead Poets Society puts Robin Williams as a maverick teacher versus the conformity of the educational system. Watching the movie you might think the group of boys are leads, but they are just vessels to illustrate the different outcomes of the rebellious fight. Williams selfishly uses the boys as pawns for his own agenda of creating a free-thinking world. He ignores all warnings from the headmaster, teachers and parents for going against the established systems. As great stories tend to go, warnings were warranted.

During the climax, the boys initially fail to withhold their new ideals, only to defy the headmaster by showing respect for their beloved teacher, regardless of personal loss they incurred. Williams is fulfilled because he wins his fight, successfully creating free thinkers, but otherwise walks away lonely and empty handed.

Support character existence is validated by the lead character. Without the lead’s attention the support character does not exist. The party that joins Frodo, however unique, skilled or powerful, only matters because of the lead’s conviction for his mission.

Lead character existence is self-validated by having their own mission. Following someone else’s leaves them scratching an itch. No matter how many times he’s fatally hurt or told he’d done enough, Frodo would rather die than let the evil incarnate Sauron take over the lawful good of the world.

When the mission is accomplished, the support characters are all rewarded and incorporated back into the world where they belong. Aragorn receives a kingdom, Sam a family, Legolas and Gimli a newfound ‘broship’. Frodo? Frodo is given respect and a trip to the Undying Lands, which removes him from the new world he helped to create.

“The simple pleasures of the Shire no longer held the same appeal, and Frodo felt like an outsider looking in on a world he could no longer fully inhabit.”

On a second date in a park a girl once backhand complimented me “I’ve dated a narcissist before and know that’s what you need to hear. You are enough!” There was no third date.

When it comes to main characters we have a different measure for ‘enough.’ Our measure is the quest, and the quest is bigger than our own life. Everyday comforts and pleasures are tempting but only temporarily. Instead we are fulfilled by finding a supporting cast, who will promote the change in people and the environment according to our selfish agenda.

‘Special’ like ‘love’ or ‘fuck’ can mean many things. To my parents it meant that I can experience more than they could have. On that promise I have delivered many times over, by being the most educated, travelled, and creditworthy of my family. If you were told or ever thought you are special, I encourage you to go on your own quest of self-discovery.

To me ‘special’ is someone who looks for something greater than their own life and helps others in finding that little extra meaning beyond usual. Call it a purpose or a mission, to me it’s a personal promise. Thirty-five years later I am still climbing that ever-raising steep hill, to fulfill this promise to myself.